Month: February 2023

…So ACT like it.

In the book of Psalms, David writes in chapter 139 verses 13 and 14:

“For it was You who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made”.

The names and locations of the following retold experience have been changed to protect the innocent - and the guilty.

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In many Christian, often non-denominational churches that we visit in our RV travels, they call it “the message”, but in my church experience, I know this part of the church service as the homily, or if not in a Catholic church, the sermon.  If done well, it is generally my favorite part of any church service or Mass, perhaps competing only with the music for my favor.  But what made this little campground chapel in this little Carolina town where we have camped, so special, is the pastor.

In the half dozen services we have attended while at this campground, Pastor Pete has consistently impressed me with his skilled oratory and positive, meaningful messages, always leaving me to face the rest of my Sunday feeling joyous and inspired.  His voice reminds me of Tom Bodett of Motel 6 (“we’ll leave the light on”); it is deep, soothing, and kind.  It is a voice you can trust and follow eagerly.

At one of our visits, the message was about what he called “Superdads”.  It was Father’s Day, and the pastor wanted to recognize the Superdads in the room.  “The world needs more Superdads.  There aren’t enough of them, and the world would be a far better place if there were more of them”, he began.  “If you are a dad that works hard and also spends time with your children, you are a Superdad.  If you have been saved and are here with your family at church, you are a Superdad.  The world is in need of more great fathers – and children need better guidance”, he shared in the opening of his message.

As often happens in a sermon, the pastor then transitions into a relatable story or joke, as a clever way to segue gently into the core of their message, by way of an easy-to-understand “real world” example.  Pastor Pete did just that, and he went on to tell a joke about a man that he and a friend had encountered.  

As best as I can recall the joke, the pastor recounted how he and a friend noticed a man in the distance wearing a skirt, and with his long hair up in a bun.  Pastor Pete jokingly told the friend that he was going to take up a collection for his friend so that he might be able to dress that way at their next school reunion.  Pause for chuckles…

“That is where this world is going,” Pastor Pete said following the completion of his transitional humor, with what I could only infer was a negative connotation.  I understood him to mean that the world is becoming a worse place, for fathers and children and all others, because somehow that man with the skirt and bun represents something bad or negative – perhaps even sinful or evil.

The intent of his “joke” was clear – he disagreed with the man’s appearance, judged him for it, and placed the world’s failures squarely on “problems like these”.  It was a sign to Pastor Pete of world failings.

He had hit a nerve with me.  I instinctively whispered to my husband, “I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this”.  I stood up and quietly walked out of the back of the chapel, trying to be discreet.  I was immediately sad and disappointed.  I suddenly felt less welcomed because of how his joke had landed on me.

I have no doubt that Pastor Pete moved on quickly from his opening attempt at humor.  The rest of the message was likely well-written, well-spoken, inspiring, and pleasant, but I don’t know because I was already walking back to our campsite.  As I walked, I was trying to reconcile my feelings about the man whose words I had quickly grown to enjoy, with the thoughtless joke he made at the expense of a stranger that dressed perhaps unconventionally.

What were the possibilities, I wondered to myself as I took deep breaths and tried to set a walking pace that calmed me down instead of spinning me into anger?  Was the skirted person a transgender female? Or could he be a feminine male or non-binary who was comfortable displaying traditionally feminine characteristics?   I imagined the many possibilities.  Aw heck, the skirted man might have been in drag on his way to work as an actor in the musical show La Cage aux Folles!  Or he could have even been a Scottish bagpiper, replete with a traditional kilt, taking an afternoon stroll!  We will never know, and no doubt Pastor Pete didn’t know either.  He was just there to judge and comment on his disapproval of the scene.

A 2022 Gallup poll concluded that 7.1% of adult Americans identified as LGBT¹.  Studies from several nations, including the U.S., conducted at varying time periods, have produced a statistical range of 1.2 to 6.8 percent of the adult population identifying as LGBT.  So in that little chapel of perhaps 40 men, women, and children, the statistical likelihood that I was not the only person in the room “put off” by Pastor Pete’s comment was very high.  

Granted, we were in the southern part of the U.S., where perhaps allies in support of LGBTQ equality are slower to grow, but the world has come a long way in just one generation, and much farther over several recent generations, so chances are strong that there was the mother of a gay son in the row near us, or an uncle of a transgender niece, or a child that already feels like something is different in a world that told them they were born female, yet they have always believed that wasn’t right.  There may have been a secretly gay woman sitting in the room, beside her unaware husband and children, or as in my own world, a person with a brother that struggled most of his life with depression, alcoholism, and eventually homelessness ending in suicide – with deeply secreted gender dysphoria at the root of his pain.

The point is, there are those touched by LGBTQ all over society, and those that identify as such would never choose to go through such challenges.  It is simply who they are and how God made them.  Many of them suffer every day, mostly invisibly, silently, because of people like Pastor Pete and many others.  Sometimes the pain is unintentionally inflicted; sometimes it is absolutely purposely cruel.

If you, in 2022, are still believing that being gay is a choice, or that being transgender is deviance, it is time to begin some exploration, and self-education and see the possibility that you might just have more to learn.  If you were raised by parents, or in a community, or as part of a church to believe that there is something “wrong” or “sinful” with those that identify as LGBTQ, please know that they were wrong in their teaching, and it is now time to become a little more aware of the entire spectrum of human existence.

Don’t be afraid to seek out others that may have a different belief system than you.  We do not grow if we do not expand our personal borders.  Find the allies out there that can share their experiences and help you learn what it is like being LGBTQ or caring about someone who is. 

But most importantly, if you think yourself a good and loving human being, even if you never change your belief system about the “cause” and myriad struggles of LGBTQ people, please at least be respectful and kind.  Stop hurting them, their families, and their loved ones – even the subtle unintended pain you cause.  Make an effort to use vocabulary that is not offensive, try to honor their “pronouns”, and try to find and express love and mutual respect for others, even if you do not understand or agree with how they may look or sound, love, or identify.

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¹ “LGBT Identification in U.S. Ticks Up to 7.1%”. Gallup. 17 Feb 2022.

²  Gates, Gary J. (April 2011). “How many people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender?”. Williams Institute, University of California School of Law.

³ Charlotte J. Patterson (Editor); Anthony R. D’Augelli (Editor) (2012). Handbook of Psychology and Sexual Orientation. Oxford University Press. p. 71. ISBN 978-0199765218.